Unlike many of my ruddy-faced compatriots, I was a late bloomer when it came to sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll…
While my underage classmates were thrilled to enjoy unsupervised house parties, I was the anomaly, feigning swigs from bottles, one eye on the clock, wondering if this was all there was to adolescence, while some boy from year 10 tried to wriggle his hand beneath my skin-tight jeans.
I shied away from titillating games like spin the bottle - games invented to bridge the gap from childhood to adulthood; to the world of intoxicated tongues touching and tingling in places we hadn’t felt before.
Now in my thirties, having embraced my desire to explore all things sex and sensuality, it seems only fitting that I embrace one of these games, too.
So, grab your favourite tipple and prepare to get closer to me, Amelia Ever, in my narcissistic version of Never Have I Ever.
Ready? Let’s begin.
Never has Amelia Ever… allowed flattery to go to her head
I’m going to have to lick the deliciously salted rim of my margarita here, and perhaps take a weeny sip, because I do love a little praise.
On second thoughts, I’ll take a full swig. Shower me in accolades and see for yourself how far that might get you.
Never has Amelia Ever… picked up her phone on a date
My drink remains untouched for this one.
When I’m with you, I am with you. The kind of fun I like to have involves physical proximity, uninterrupted by screens (though I should warn you there may be some vibrations).
Never has Amelia Ever… arrived late
While I’m a lover of all things exciting and adventurous, nothing gets me going quite like reliability and organisation. You can count on me to be at our specified place, at the time we’ve agreed.
So, no need for a top up just yet.
Never has Amelia Ever… disagreed with her date
Finally, I get to wet these lips!
Dialogue takes two to tango. I will politely offer my opinion, ask you to expand on yours, engage in debate and enjoy flirtatious tussles in conversation.
I love to be challenged; I delight in being taught new things and I try to see all sides of every story - expect a curious and critical recipient of your wisdom.
Never has Amelia Ever… lost her poise and grace
You better bring me the bottle.
While I love to dress elegantly and conduct myself in a becoming fashion, I have been known to be so engrossed in conversation that I spill my drink, miss my mouth or trip on an ill-placed step.
Up until now, no serious injuries have been sustained, just a lightly bruised ego.
Never has Amelia Ever… been fazed by a date that didn’t go to plan
No need for a sip here.
With all the anticipation surrounding a hot date, it's easy to become caught up in plans, expectations, hopes and desires. But occasionally, life has other ideas.
The dinner reservation turns out to be for the wrong night? What a wonderful excuse to discover somewhere new together.
We get caught in the rain without an umbrella? How about a sumptuous bubble bath and the chance to get cosy afterwards?
Besides, I've always thought that mishaps make for better stories - not unlike the underwhelming house parties of my teenage years, which spurred me on to create a life of freedom, fun, fulfilment and flirtation.
And, if you enjoyed playing with me here today, why not introduce yourself. Perhaps we can create a story all of our own.